April Fools edition | What my dog recommends doing during quarantine

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Alex Dolinger | Staff Columnist

Alex’s yellow lab, Wrecks Goliath, lies in a mud puddle.

By Alex Dolinger, Staff Columnist

In times as stressful as these, we are all glued to our news source of choice in search of answers, comfort and what’s happening next. Someone who isn’t glued to the news is my beautiful yellow lab, Wrecks Goliath.

Wrecks is named after a maybe-mythical 47-pound rooster named Rex Goliath, which is also a brand of wine. The change to “Wrecks” is a play on words because Wrecks, like his owners, is a wreck.

Because Wrecks is a dog, he is unable to get coronavirus. Therefore, he is having the absolute time of his life right now and doing lots of super exciting things.

These are exciting times. There’s one riveting event after another these days, and I’m here to share some things you can do to have a life as exciting as dear, sweet Wrecks. 

  1. Go on a walk

I cannot stress to you enough how many walks this dog has been on. It’s an obscene amount of walks. Walking up and down the street multiple times per day is the only thing that the humans of the household can do to entertain themselves, which results in a quite adequately exercised puppy. Along the way, Wrecks likes to jump on the neighbors who don’t follow the 6-foot rule and stop to talk to us. Wrecks is a good boy who advocates for social distancing. Be like Wrecks.

  1. Go to the park

When my family and I are looking to spice up our lives, we get in the car and take Wrecks to the park, where we fling a ball with a tennis ball launcher and let him run wild. He is super dumb, so he often loses the ball despite how much it stands out. This is always humorous until I have to run a long distance to get the ball. For obvious reasons, it’s good to go be one with nature and release some of the pent up energy you have from long days of zoom meetings. It’s also a great excuse to put on some pants.

  1. Lay down in the mud at the park

Speaking of the park, it is always very muddy because the weather is disgusting and it doesn’t care that we are all in quarantine. Wrecks has taken to finding the biggest, wettest puddle of mud and garbage and laying down in it. This is an even better way to be one with nature. Ruining your mom’s car is an obvious added bonus.

  1. Bite someone to release pent-up energy

Because we have the worst timing, my family is in the middle of moving to a new house. Thus, we have all kinds of new faces coming in and out of the house, which Wrecks is very excited about. We recently had movers come around, and Wrecks full-on bit one of them. It wasn’t hard enough to do any real damage, but it was hard enough to make my dad talk about it every day for the past two weeks. Wrecks highly recommends it though, saying it’s the most alive he’s felt in weeks. 

  1. Eat several biscuits

An exciting new quarantine activity is trying to train Wrecks and teach him new tricks, like not biting people and laying down. Various members of my family will conduct small training sessions in our kitchen multiple times per day. Every time Wrecks does something he is supposed to do — and sometimes when he doesn’t — he is rewarded with a dog biscuit and sent on his way. Next time you do some quarantine baking, try to get something out of it and teach your family new commands, like being nice to each other and standing up.

  1. Eat several bully sticks

I’m absolutely about to ruin your day with this information. There’s a kind of dog chew called a bully stick, which is, according to the bully stick website, “a single-ingredient dog chew that is made from high-protein beef muscle, specifically, the pizzle — or penis — of a bull.”

I hate this information just as much, if not more, than you do. I’ve tried to dissuade my parents from buying these, as the part of me that’s trying really hard to be a vegan is absolutely wrecked at the existence of these things. They also smell really bad. Because we are in quarantine and also moving, Wrecks has consumed several bully sticks.  Wrecks may recommend partaking in these treats, but I strongly advise against it.

  1. Eat watercolor paint

Long story short — I am a fool and dropped an entire tin of watercolor paint, and I’m 90% positive that Wrecks ate one of the pans. Don’t worry, he’s fine. I’m also 90% positive that labs can eat almost anything and live to tell the tale. This isn’t true for all species, which makes this piece of advice particularly foolhardy.

  1. Get brushed 12 times per day

Spring means it’s shedding season, which means that Wrecks is leaking hair at an alarming rate. This is a normal part of dog ownership, but because we are all so stir-crazy it seems especially bad. To try and combat this, we have been taking Wrecks to the garage whenever we’re bored and use a brush called the Furminator to try and lessen the amount of fur that covers every surface in our home. You probably don’t shed as much hair as Wrecks does, but you’re welcome to try and get someone to brush yours for you. 

  1. Make a friend

The final item on Wrecks’ list of recommendations is making a new acquaintance. Wrecks is making friends with our neighbor’s dog, Bella, through the fence in their backyard. Bella is a tiny bernedoodle puppy who is always very excited for visitors. The two dogs bark at each other while running back and forth along the fence. Dogs don’t need to social distance, but these two are forced to. Oh, to be a puppy seeing my friend on the other side of a fence. Even in times like these, Wrecks encourages you to find ways to be connected.

 

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