Satire | October Horoscopes

By Paige Lawler, Assistant Opinions Editor

It’s October. I’m exhausted, the stars are exhausted and I’m sure you’re exhausted. Take a break from your midterms and endless Zoom calls to see what kind of advice and insight the stars have decided you need this month. 

Aries (March 21–April 19): This month, the stars want you to know that if you’re super burnt out from staring at your laptop screen for the better part of every day, they support you in throwing your computer away Ron Swanson-style. It’s a reasonable solution. Plus, with your computer gone, you will no longer be obligated to log into Zoom just to stare at black boxes with your classmates’ names on them. Maybe you could use your newfound free time to take up a cool, autumnal hobby like knitting or baking!

Taurus (April 20–May 20): You might be feeling a little spacey this month, Taurus. Try not to get too frustrated. Sometimes, your mind just needs a break, and it’s okay if a cumulonimbus cloud has taken up permanent residence in your brain. Call it autumnal ambiance or something. I dunno. My point is be gentle with yourself. Stuff is hard these days, and it’s natural to need a break from thinking and working and being productive all the time. The stars say you should make time to take a break.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): You’re gonna have to stay vigilant this month, Gemini. Things at work might get rocky, especially if you’re starting a new job or negotiating a new contract — whatever that means. Read the terms and conditions, the fine print and the footnotes on everything. I’m not saying you need to be paranoid, per se, but you do need to look out for number one — that’s you, in this case. Don’t accept anything unless you’re like… 98% satisfied.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): As Halloween approaches, you may start to crave some of the sweeter things in life, dear Cancer. While that is understandable, be cautious in your pursuit. Some sweet things might come directly to you, and they may manifest as a bag of Halloween candy that is sent to your apartment in an unexpected package with no return address and no note explaining it. You might be tempted to eat the candy, especially because it contains your favorite kind of sour gummy worms, but you should not. Maybe it’s true that good things come to those who wait, but mysterious candy is NOT one of those things.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): This October, the stars have decided you get to be as indecisive as your heart desires! No longer do you have to feel guilty for holding up the line at the coffee shop when you can’t decide if you want hot or iced coffee — it’s a hard decision anyway, since it’s 40 degrees in the morning and 70 in the afternoon. Like, how does one choose the right kind of coffee for the weather when the weather can’t make up its mind? Well, now you don’t have to, Leo. Just stand in line all day pretending like you’re deep in thought about it. It’s all good.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): You might be feeling like your life isn’t fair this month, Virgo. Maybe you have tons of assignments piling up, two exams on the same day, or one of your TAs didn’t give you partial credit on a question you totally deserved partial credit on. I don’t know your life. What I do know is that the stars told me to tell you that crying, “It’s not fair!” at any minor inconvenience makes you sound like Sarah from the 1986 film “Labyrinth” which isn’t exactly a good look. If you don’t believe me, watch “Labyrinth” and see for yourself. (If you do believe me, but you haven’t seen the film, go watch it anyway. It’s a classic.)

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Now that Libra season is in full swing, it’s your chance to show the world who’s boss. You’ve gotta let the world know that you’re at your peak right now, and that you’re not afraid of anything the universe plans to throw at you this month. The stars think you should loudly announce this to anyone and everyone you encounter — from your roommates to the other kids in your completely silent breakout room. Bonus points if you put on jeans, boots, and cable knit sweater while you do so — just for the autumn aesthetic.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): You may need some extra comfort this month, Scorpio. The stars and I agree that the best way for you to self-soothe is to indulge in as many pumpkin flavored foods and drinks as you can physically stomach. Live your autumnal dream. Eat a pumpkin muffin for breakfast, paired with a pumpkin spice latte. Have pumpkin soup for lunch. Go to Girasole in Shadyside for dinner and order their pumpkin ravioli — this one isn’t optional. That ravioli is life-changing.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): This month, you might find yourself scrambling to get things done. While this is understandable — things are crazy right now, in case you somehow missed that — you need to stay organized. And I don’t mean organized like “every breath I’m going to take for the next week is scheduled down to the second.” I just mean make sure you stay as on top of things as possible, and try not to let things fall through the cracks. This might seem like it’s just good advice for everyone, but I know you need to hear it, Sagittarius. You can thank me later.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19 ): You might start to go stir crazy this month, Capricorn. That’s perfectly fine, so long as you have a plan to work against it. On days that you have to sit on Zoom for 10 hours straight, plan to get outside. Go to Schenley and take a walk around the park — look out for any changing leaves. Toward the end of the month, you could even take a night walk through South Oakland and look for people trying to have Halloweekend even though they know full well they’re being selfish and irresponsible. Whether you judge them or not, the stars want you to pat yourself on the back for having more common sense than them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): This month, the stars want you to avoid frivolity and hedonism. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, Aquarius, but the stars never lie. Simplicity is key for your October. All you really need is a cup of tea and a fireplace YouTube video. Settle down with a book or your pet or something — I don’t know. Just stare into the virtual flames and let your mind go blank. Is it a perfect substitute for an actual fireplace? No, not really, but you’ve just gotta make do. 

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): Great news, Pisces! Halloween is coming early this year! The stars said you should dress up in your wackiest costume — make sure it includes a mask for pandemic safety — and start going door to door demanding that whoever opens their door to you gives you candy. There are many, many benefits to this — getting out of your dorm/apartment/house, interacting with people, avoiding homework and getting free candy to name a few — and absolutely no downsides. What are you waiting for? Go get changed and get your candy!

Paige writes primarily about environmental policy and politics — when she’s not divining the stars, that is. Tell Paige if her horoscopes are accurate at [email protected]