Satire | January horoscopes

By Paige Lawler, Senior Staff Columnist

We once again find ourselves in a new year. 2022 is a fresh start, so why does it still feel like we’re in 2020? What’s a good New Year’s resolution that I might actually keep? I asked the stars questions like these so that you don’t have to. Read on to see what lies in store for you this January.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): People might be a little intense for you right now, Aries. There’s a post-holiday frenzy, at least in the circles I run in, and the stars told me you probably don’t have the energy to put up with that right now. Never fear. You’re totally allowed to retreat into yourself in the name of self-preservation.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Taurus, you’ve probably got off to a strong start this month. I’m sure you’re ticking tasks off your New Year’s to do list, but don’t feel disheartened if you start to lose steam. Take some time to rest, and make sure that you actually do rest — don’t let your mind wander and worry about work or school or whatever else. Just chill. It’ll be great, I promise.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): A very wise summer camp counselor once gave me some advice that changed everything. “Take it slow,” he told me, “everything is temporary.” I’m willing to bet that you will benefit from taking it slow this year, Gemini. The counselor who shared this advice with me is doing great — he got his master’s and he’s learning how to skateboard — so I think you should take this month slow and see how it feels.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You’re famously pretty testy, Cancer. Unfortunately, none of the “t”s in “twenty-twenty-two” stand for “testy.” Tone it down a little bit and try to live in the moment this January. Try some grounding exercises, such as deep breathing. If those don’t work, you can start making bird noises. It might not be an often recommended way to stay focused, but it certainly gets the attention of the people around you and you could argue that it connects you to nature … nevermind. Stick to your routine grounding exercises.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You can be stubborn at times, Leo, but this month, it might actually be an asset. I know that most of the time, your inability to compromise only makes things tense and complicated. Lucky for you, the stars indicated that decisiveness is hard to come by this month, and your friends will appreciate that someone — you — actually wants specific things.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Are some of your relationships hanging on by a thread, Virgo? If so, use this new year to either reinforce them or cut them loose. There’s no reason to continue texting someone every other month if there’s not an actual conversation going on. If your favorite “friends” from your hometown didn’t respond to your texts or ask you to hang out while you were home over break, just let them go. It’s not worth it to put your energy towards them.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): The stars want you to be less judgmental this January, Libra. With the new year comes many new opportunities to simply observe without judging. When you log onto your first Zoom lecture and come face to face with the other black boxes that are supposed to be your classmates, resist the urge to despise one of them just because their name shows up as “Last, First” instead of “First Last.” Some of us still can’t figure out how to change that, and you can’t hold that against us. 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): It’s time for you to revel in obscurity, Scorpio. Start researching abstract algebra, or something else that’s complicated enough to scare and confuse your friends when you ramble about it. What better way to ring in the new year than with a new hyperfixation to fall into?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Here’s a pro tip, Sagittarius — just because you CAN have someone else deliver your groceries does NOT mean you should. It’s a good idea for you to save money where you can this January. I’m sure you don’t want me or the stars to lecture you about your personal finances, but it’s a new year and you can use it as a clean slate! Start a budget or at least get prepared for tax season. I’m not sure when exactly it is, but my mom said it’s coming up so you might want to get ready.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): It’s time to get crafty, Capricorn! Go to the thrift store and find some clothes to upcycle, or just rifle through your dresser and find something you don’t wear anymore that could use a little refresh. It might only be January, but the stars recommend you do your spring cleaning early this year.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Your challenge this year, Aquarius, is to majorly downscale things. Clean out your closet, clear off your bookshelf and throw out the piles of papers that accumulated last semester. January is a fresh start, and since I’m sure you’ll accumulate plenty of new stuff this month and this year, it’ll be great to purge your space of unneeded and unwanted objects.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): The only advice the stars have for you this month is to keep things spicy, Pisces. Go to your grocery store of choice and get a new bottle of sriracha or whatever hot sauce you prefer. Put it on everything. It’ll be great. Alternatively, you can spice things up metaphorically and change the lockscreen on your phone. Totally up to you.

Paige writes primarily about environmental policy and politics — when she’s not divining the stars, that is. Write to her at [email protected].