We all go through life wondering if we’ll ever meet the “right” person, or if the right person even exists. Some of us find a match at a young age and nurture that relationship into adulthood. Some bounce from person to person, never quite finding a relationship that sticks. Sometimes we find the right person, and it still doesn’t work — personal issues, distance or a global pandemic keeps you apart. And, sometimes, you just can’t seem to find anyone at all.

In honor of Valentine’s Day — and for all who read this, whether they be happily single, in a relationship or longing for someone — I’d like to share my personal soulmate theory. I believe, wholeheartedly, that every person has a soulmate. In fact, I believe we have several because there are eight billion people on Earth, so aren’t we bound to have more than one?

A soulmate is someone with whom you feel deeply connected to and are understood by, naturally and without judgment. In a relationship between soulmates, your needs are equally met because you don’t simply form a connection — rather, your connection challenges you to grow. You and your soulmate help each other become better people by encouraging thoughtfulness, selflessness and personal growth.

When it comes to finding your soulmates, I’ve often heard people speculate about where that person could be. Are they on the other side of the world? Will we ever meet? What are the odds of finding them? There are certain factors that influence who these people are, but we have a high likelihood of finding one before we die.

We have certain personal factors that influence our connections. Our culture, our personal values, our goals. These are central aspects that influence who we connect with, whether that be a soulmate or just a friend or partner. Factors such as your hometown, family structure, race, ethnicity and religion often determine who you may connect with. Thus, it is more likely that your soulmate has a lot in common with you. It is also likely that several people fit this mold.

I’d like to note as well that soulmates are not carbon copies of yourself. While you likely share similar characteristics and values, your soulmate is rarely an exact imitation. Rather, they are a mix of familiar and unfamiliar. They share your most defining elements while simultaneously having clear differences that challenge you to become a better person. 

In accordance with my earlier statement, a soulmate isn’t just a friend or lover. They are someone who helps you engage in personal growth by mirroring your desires and needs while inspiring you to act caring and considerate toward others. You must understand your differences and choose to overcome them in order to have a healthy relationship.

Likewise, I believe that the bonds between soulmates aren’t always romantic. Often, they are platonic. My romantic soulmate theories apply to the platonic as well — the encouragement of growth, the similar, yet dissimilar, characteristics and the connection above all else. 

Think about the friends in your life, and which relationships — if any — come easy to you. A friend you can talk to without judgment. A friend who will be there if you call, needing them, no matter how much time has passed. A friend you would choose to live and die for. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have even one of these people in my life, and to even recognize the strength and love within our bond.

I believe we will all meet several soulmates over our lifetime. However, I am not so optimistic about the success of these relationships. Having a soulmate means no longer existing just for yourself — you exist for this other person, too. When you truly love someone, you should be willing to do what’s best for that person. You should be willing to leave your comfort zone, to put your heart on the line, to take chances and risks because you want to make it work.

Unfortunately, that just isn’t possible in every relationship. Sometimes — even most of the time — you just can’t make it work. Endless factors may influence the status of your relationship, or whether a healthy relationship is even possible. Maybe you’re in a relationship with someone else, maybe the timing is off or maybe you’re not emotionally ready for that type of commitment.

If you find one of your soulmates and they exit your life, they may still reenter in the future. Your chances at a healthy relationship aren’t finite. That is why, should you meet one of your soulmates, you should do everything you can to prioritize a healthy, happy relationship. If you are simply unable to do so, all you can do is become the person you both need, so when — if — they come back into your life, you can have that connection in the best way possible.

Sometimes it doesn’t work out, sometimes it does. All you can do is be thoughtful and aware of the people you connect with. Accept that a relationship between you and your soulmate may never work out. Accept that you can be in love and have a happy life with someone who isn’t your soulmate. Accept that you may miss a connection with your soulmate entirely. 

If you believe someone is one of your soulmates, do what is in your power to make that relationship work. However, you must put the well-being of yourself and that person above all else — even if it means letting go of them, forever or for the time being. In the words of poet Nayyirah Waheed, “Let it manifest itself the way it is meant to. It has an organic destiny. This way if it stays or if it leaves, you will be softer. From having been loved this authentically. Souls come into. Return. Open. and sweep through your life for a myriad of reasons. Let them be who. And what they are meant.”

Sarah Liez writes primarily about gender issues and social phenomena. Write to her at [email protected].