Are you too exhausted by the horrors of modern life to get frisky in the bedroom? Does your mind start drifting to your unpaid bills when your partner deepens a kiss? Is your climate anxiety starting to affect your performance? Fear not — these ideas for spicing things up will help you go from existential dread to mind-blowing head.
- The Unbearable Weight of the World
Other people might find the amount of human suffering in the world too heavy to hold. Not you, you Atlassian fox — you find that deep pressure soothing! To try it, your partner will need to lay on you with their full body weight while you do the deed. For best results, I recommend adding at least two weighted blankets to press your bodies as close together as possible. Sure, it’s a limited range of motion, but this position does wonders for your parasympathetic nervous system.
- The Cost of Living
If you’re looking for a way to distract yourself from those annual rent hikes or the fact that you accidentally bought an $8 bag of grapes last week, grab the love of your life, a horny homie or a situationship and get not quite horizontal. Arrange your bedding so that you and your partner can lay at a 45-degree angle with your feet at the top of the incline. This both increases blood flow to your brain, making you lightheaded enough to forget about that overdraft charge, and cheekily represents a graph of the average American family’s grocery bill over the past 10 years.
- The Global Warming
For this one, you’ll need a little help from a trusted friend — or, if you don’t have your own thermostat, from your friendly landlord who’s definitely a real person and lives in the state of Pennsylvania. Every five minutes, have them turn up the heat by one degree and watch as things heat up between the sheets. By the end of your sexy marathon, you’ll emerge in euphoric, sweaty bliss, red all over like a cooked lobster and more reinvigorated than a post-sauna Finn. This saucy setup will also helpfully give you a sneak peek at what all hookups will be like in 100 years. Hot!
- The Silicon Valley
Performance anxiety? With the all-new Apple Vision Pro, which you’ll need to pick up for $3,499, you can play Subway Surfers, read the latest Wall Street Journal opinion “Be Thankful for High Drug Prices” and watch a mukbang, all while muk-banging your partner. The key here is to ensure that at no point will you actually see your bedfellow. The entire experience should be mediated through virtual reality. If this sounds too impersonal to you, try syncing your screen to your partner’s so you can both watch the hot parts of Bridgerton at the same time — the perfect way to connect on a deeper level than physical.
- The Early 2000s
Haven’t you heard? The 2000s are coming again, and so can you! Set the mood for you and your loved one by donning some low-rise white capri pants, a long-sleeve midi dress over them and a sexy tie adorned with tiny mustaches — then make them take each piece off. If you really want to make your partner work for it, top it all off with a poncho and a chunky midsection belt. Not risqué enough for you? Have them restrain your wrists with Sillybandz and put on a velvet choker from Claire’s. If you do everything just right, you might even experience a tantalizing glimmer of the hope for the future you still felt back then. Ladies, you can feel it thrice.
- The Fast Fashion
Got fantasies that lose their appeal faster than Shein microtrends? To achieve the blistering pace you’re after, set a timer to go off every thirty seconds and switch positions every time it beeps. Did you like that one? Too bad — on to the next.
- The #Sponsored
Feeling some roleplay? I’ve got you covered. To really get into character, you’ll need to set up a ring light facing the two of you and look vacuously at the imaginary camera as you point out and describe each part of your partner’s body like a TikTok influencer. Try to work in phrases like “You’ve allllll been sleeping on this” for the most powerful panty-dropping effect. You’ll make your partner feel incredibly valued and definitely not even a little bit objectified. Don’t forget to clearly disclose the advertisement.
- The Tantric Affirmations
Face your partner and look lovingly into their eyes while you make sweet, sweet love to each other. Instead of dirty talk, which is kind of overrated anyway, whisper calming mantras into the other’s ear. Try out “You’re going to make so much in tips this Friday,” “They’ll definitely cancel student loans in 10 years,” “Your emotional support cat will live forever” or, if you want to get a rhythm going, “Everything’s OK you’re OK we’re OK it’ll be OK it’s OK it’s OK.” This intense, spiritual experience is guaranteed to bring the two of you closer while helpfully saving you a $30 therapy copay for the week.