I am not a doctor. Come to think of it, I don’t even have a healthy lifestyle. Indeed, many of… I am not a doctor. Come to think of it, I don’t even have a healthy lifestyle. Indeed, many of my roommates and siblings from over the years have come across a broken and bitter Sam, sitting alone in the dark, in his boxers, at his computer, playing chess on Yahoo, eating a whole box of Cheez-Its. When they inquire whether I have been there all day, I break down and start to cry.

Still, somebody needs to talk about New Year’s resolutions, and why the gym is so packed, and I’ve never been one to shrug off responsibility.

We already know that New Year’s resolutions usually are not usually kept, but I didn’t realize until recently how many people make them. The Metro, a Philadelphia area newspaper, said that more than 60 percent of kids our age make these resolutions to themselves.

But don’t take my word for it; go up to the Pete and see for yourself. When there is a line four people deep to use even the ergonomics machines, you know that somebody is trying to get a smaller (or bigger?) ass by working out before spring break. Even the normally empty racquetball courts have recently come alive with people who are either trying to lose weight, or just trying to clog them up so I can’t use them.

But that is OK. Everybody wants to get in shape around this time of the year, and it is quite the gratifying experience – from what I’ve been told.

I have a feeling that many people at the gym this time of year, including myself, are only there because of those drunken promises we made to ourselves in the heat of the moment on New Year’s Eve. The resolutions were often reassuring enough to let us continue comfortably with whatever self-destructive activities we chose to engage in, heartened by the fact that we would bring a new discipline to the new semester.

It is inevitable, however, that we begin to lose our resolve. Just as much as we are hopeful and excited at the prospect of going to the gym every day, it takes only a few weeks before we realize what the reality of going to the gym every day means, and before we start becoming bored with whatever mind-numbingly boring exercise/diet regimens we undertake. It is only a matter of time before we change our resolutions from things like “lose the weight” to “don’t eat as much junk food” to “only purchase Hot Pockets when they go on sale.”

Using my roommates as case studies, I can already see winter’s numbing effects working against their resolutions. Yesterday, they were at the gym; today, they are gathered watching my friend beat “Halo 2” – a worthy undertaking, but, strictly speaking, not a physically demanding one. It seems to become obvious that our goals are nothing but an exercise in futility.

So how can we delay or even defy the inevitable loss of motivation? The best way might be to lower our standards.

New Year’s resolutions put undue pressure on us. That pressure leads to unrealistic expectations, and then, eventually, to ice cream; it seems every year we set ourselves up for failure. Successful lifestyle changes require patience, commitment and sincerity, all nuances that are often overlooked after the sixth glass of champagne on New Year’s Eve. We need to step back and find a way to enjoy the time we use to make our changes.

This semester, my game plan is to play racquetball as frequently as possible and to quit eating so much junk food. Forget about all those fancy words they throw at you, like “Omega-3 fatty acids” and “dietary fiber” and “bread” – we all know what the good foods are, and that’s what I’m sticking to. Getting off the campus meal plan was a good way to start. Just thinking about that “meat” they serve us clogs my arteries and makes me sympathize with PETA.

The best way to achieve anything, especially unrealistic goals, is to be patient and make sure that your heart is really in it. Otherwise, you might as well remain sober on New Year’s Eve next year lest you make yourself another promise you can’t keep.

Look for more of Sam Morey’s health advice in such publications as “Obese Nation” and “Pudding Weekly.” E-mail him at [email protected].