A friend of mine recently got a trim. She’s a woman of my complexion who has relaxed hair that… A friend of mine recently got a trim. She’s a woman of my complexion who has relaxed hair that extends slightly past her shoulders. Noticing her healthy hair in a picture the other day, I Facebooked her a compliment.

Her reply was interesting. She commented, almost despondently, about how short it was and it made me think about how important hair length is to women in the black community.

Looking back to my relaxed look junior year, when I spent a few hours every two weeks glorifying my tresses, trimming my own hair was also tantamount to pulling teeth. Even after Oprah herself declared that trimming promotes healthy, consistent hair growth, the outcome for many still isn’t worth the risk of short hair.

While my friend’s hair wasn’t in a terrible state, it’s interesting to wonder what makes black women hold on to their length even in the midst of split ends, breakage and damage. I’ve seen many perms weather serious beatings from dye, the perm itself, usage of too many chemicals and a lack of TLC. And I think the bigger question lies in what motivates people to uphold a standard of beauty that isn’t their own in the face of visible distress to their hair.

Well, for starters, I can attest to the fact that it’s inherited. The first person who gives us the idea of what appropriate hairstyles are is our mother. As young women, we grow up without a choice regarding what product, style or chemical is used on our hair. Often, what shaped mom’s ideals was her mother and so on.

Some speculate that it can be traced back to what people are now calling post-traumatic-slave-syndrome – deleterious effects from slavery regarding appearance and beauty that are now pervasive in black people’s everyday lives.

Still, mothers have great influence. Often you will notice that those who wear relaxed styles have a mother with chemically processed hair. Now, even more, I’m also seeing what some may deem controversial: children about the kindergarten age donning a head full of dreadlocks.

While mom, as always, usually gets some of the credit, the media usually takes some of the blame, too. This is because as one moves into their developmental years, television serves as a guide to show us what is not only acceptable, but also attractive. And if you take notice of the woman selling us cigarettes, starring as the leading character on film or shaking her ass in a 50 Cent video, her hair is usually quite lengthy. There you have it – the message has been sent.

Considering how the media plays a role in hairstyles, it’s no surprise that women also feel pressure from men, who also watch television. A few years ago a survey was taken in the Africana Studies department here at Pitt asking what physical characteristics black men and women preferred in their mates. It revealed that a majority of black men preferred light-skinned women with long hair.

I know men who have adamantly stated that they would break up with their girlfriend if she ever cut her hair. I’ve even been in a relationship where I’ve been in fear of showing my hair of questionable length to a significant other after I’d taken out braids, because I would be deemed unattractive. But, it is possible to break the mold and not feel wed to a hairstyle that isn’t your own.

I myself knew it was time for a change this past January after my hair fell out from a dye process gone wrong. After facing two months of embarrassment because I was forced to wear a weave to feel human, one day I decided to let go. And in all 21 years of my existence, the day I cut my hair was the most liberating day of my life.

But it is difficult to be different. From spiky hair to micros, yarn braids, and now two-strand twists – get it right – I still walk the Oakland streets unsure of whether my look is working for me.

Women and men need to work on deconstructing standards of beauty that aren’t their own at the expense of healthy hair. I’m not saying that every black person in Pittsburgh should go natural, nor am I assigning value or judgment to anyone with chemically relaxed hair. I have a younger sister who I believe wears her hair relaxed beautifully; I just think there’s a problem with feeling like you can’t do the same with a natural style.

So kinky, curly, straight or whatever grade of hair you’ve got, love it because it’s yours. If an apocalypse comes and all the hot combs and relaxers of the world turn to dust, it will be all you’ve got.

To lock, or not to lock: That is the question. Give Rose advice at [email protected].