The best things in life are free.

True love, friendship, family, laughter, hugs, kisses,… The best things in life are free.

True love, friendship, family, laughter, hugs, kisses, canoodling – it’s all priceless. The question that burns in my mind, however, is this: Why aren’t the necessary things in life free?

This is no frivolous “material girl” talk about how Tiffany diamond rings should be free. No sir – this is practical, get-down-to-business, let’s-petition-the-government-and-make-a-change talk. So, without further ado, things that should be free:

Water. This is one that can still be found for free if carefully sought, if you’re willing to sacrifice the quality of it. Come on, 75 percent of the Earth is covered with this stuff. You can’t tell me that you have to charge me $4.00 for a precious 16-ounce bottle when I’m at a football game. Oh yeah, and the free water fountains? Good luck finding one with even remotely cool water, or that’s not tainted beyond use.

Toilet paper. Sure, living in residence halls may not exactly be the lap of luxury, but you guys don’t know how lucky you are. My freshman year I thought it was hilarious when I would have to sign my older friends into Towers to smuggle them out with several of those huge rolls of toilet paper. Now I understand. This stuff is not cheap. A four-pack can be almost $5 around Oakland, and most people replace a roll every other day.

Georgia-Pacific, a major toilet paper manufacturer, found that, on average, each American uses 22 pounds of TP a year. Also, according to Nationwide Paper Traders Ltd., 40 percent of toilet paper isn’t even used for its intended purpose. I’m not quite sure I want to know exactly what that means.

Feminine products. Yeah, I said it. Try to restrain your groans, gentlemen. I can tell you this: If these items were free, women might be just a tad more bearable around that time of the month. Instead, we are forced to buy them, and somehow we always end up in the line with the hot male cashier. And of course, something is wrong with the UPC code and we get to enjoy a delightful Tampax price check over the intercom.

I personally enjoy noting a sign that I believe appears in every ladies’ room in the Cathedral. Above the paper towel dispenser it states something along the lines of:

“Women’s sanitary items can be purchased on the Ground floor.”

Now tell me, when a lady scurries to the restroom on the 37th floor, how in the world is that going to be helpful?

Rumor has it that our university neighbors to the east on Forbes are supplied with feminine products for free. That’s right. Every restroom is supposedly neatly stocked. Anyone up for a visit before next month?

Food at two in the morning on any weekend day. When I walk into any of Oakland’s fine pizza establishments in the wee hours of the morning, a steaming large pie should be eagerly awaiting its new home in my belly. Since I’m a nice person, this pizza should be free. I’m just throwing it out there.

I have a friend who actually pretends that he called ahead of time for a pizza, shoves his way to the front of the line and declares that he’s been waiting for at least half an hour. Somehow, his name is never on the list of call-ins. Just as he’s on the verge of becoming outraged at their poor customer service, they hand him a pizza to shut him up and all is well again. I don’t know how this works for him all the time. I may or may not have just blown his spot up.

So, as you can see, there are definitely things in life that should be free. But, by far, the best things in life already are free.

You can enjoy the ocean’s plentiful waters for free, you can always bum toilet paper and girly things off surrounding universities and my mom still makes the best homemade pizza in the world.

Someday, when I’m rich, I guess I’ll be looking back on these humble beginnings with a laugh. Then I’ll start a fund to stock the Cathedral restrooms with feminine products.

E-mail Jessica Popovich at [email protected].