“Signs, signs, everywhere are signs.”

The Five Man Electrical Band said it best with their… “Signs, signs, everywhere are signs.”

The Five Man Electrical Band said it best with their 1960’s jam. There are signs everywhere telling us what to do, what not to do, where we are and how to get there from here.

Signs are helpful. Just imagine: Take away every sign in Oakland alone and mass chaos would ensue. How would any freshman know which street was Meyran, let alone which address is holding the 12-kegger ’80s bash on Friday night?

It’s just sometimes I feel that signs immediately assume we’re stupid. Most likely this is a permissible assumption.

Over Christmas break I went shopping in a typical suburbia-style plaza. I was caught in traffic creeping through the lanes surrounding the parking lot. While stuck, I figured I might as well engage in some window shopping.

Slowly, I came upon Bed Bath and Beyond. There, outside of the entrance/exit doors was a large metal sign that read: “Caution: Once you step off of the sidewalk, you are about to step into traffic.”

It struck me that common sense should tell us that after we push our carts full of down comforters and other delightful doodads off the 10 feet or so of sidewalk provided to prepare us to step into traffic, that we shouldn’t need a sign to remind us. Did you forget the traffic was there on your way in?

Or how about the “Parking for Drive-Thru Service Only” sign I spotted at a McDonald’s? Come on now. People go to McDonald’s to clog their arteries, not to confuse themselves.

There’s an assisted living area that I frequently walk by in Oakland. The landscape surrounding the building consists entirely of short shrubbery and is quite lacking in colorful flowers and other dainty designs. Yet a posted metal sign has been driven into the earth amidst the uninviting shrubbery and begs that passersby “please do not sit on the plants.”

I often wonder if this is a recurring problem at the retirement community. Do some of the old folks really have a tendency to plop down on the cactus bushes and watch the crazy college kids go by?

One of my roommates shared an interesting sign she had seen when she studied abroad in Australia. When you go into certain public restroom stalls and shut the door, you can read precise instructions on the back of the door on how to use the toilet.

These instructions included an image of a stick person correctly seated on the toilet with a circle around it, as well as an image of a stick person that apparently climbed on top of the toilet to pop-a-squat with an X through it.

Tell me why you would want to make this task 10 million times more difficult than it has to be.

“Look, Mommy, I did it all by myself. I didn’t even cheat by reading the instructions.”

The sad thing is we have stupid signs because we have stupid people. Because of someone’s actions at some point in time it was deemed necessary to place the sign in clear view of the general public’s eye.

Bill Engvall, a redneck comedian that pairs up with the likes of Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White and Larry the Cable Guy to form the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, believes that stupid people should have to wear their own sign that clearly states, “I’m stupid.” This way you wouldn’t have to rely on finding out the hard way about their lack of common sense.

Engvall relates the time that he and his wife were moving. The house was covered with cardboard boxes, complete with a large U-Haul parked right in front. A neighbor came over and asked if they were moving.

“Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”

My personal favorite “stupid” signs come in the form of T-shirts that declare those truly profound statements that really give you a peek into the soul of the wearer. Nothing says “I am an intellectual, mature young man looking for a meaningful relationship with a woman that I respect and can take home to Mom” quite like an “I’m just a squirrel trying to bust a nut” T-shirt. Those guys get me every time.

Take a look around today and notice all of the stupid signs. But remember, where would we be without them?

Jessica Popovich will be signing T-shirts all day at The Pitt News. E-mail Jessica to schedule an appointment at [email protected].