humor Archives - The Pitt News

Opinion | Duolingo: A beacon of hope or an agent of evil?

By Zion Schenk, Staff Columnist • March 12, 2025

Duo was brutally plowed down by a shiny, ugly Tesla Cybertruck. By extension, Elon Musk murdered Duolingo’s mascot and a very influential icon.

Satire | I voted for Donald Trump, now he’s signed an executive order to kill me — here’s why that’s a good thing

By Thomas Riley, Opinions Editor • March 11, 2025

In the same way that Biden’s relative economic stability was propped up by fake money and Democratic lies, my right to live was also an illegitimate construct brought about by deep state bureaucrats.

Satire | Midterm madness: A selection of students’ struggles

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • February 26, 2025

As one of the many people about to combust from the pressure of so many major assignments due at the same time, I needed comfort. I decided to take to the halls of Hillman to harass people into telling me what to do so I don’t die.

From Pop to Personal // Live from New York

By Ashley O’Doherty, Staff Writer • February 25, 2025

On this edition of From Pop to Personal, staff writer Ashley O’Doherty shares how SNL has taught her to embrace all the chaos and humor that comes with being in college.

Satire | Sights and smells of Oakland: An observation of the elusive college student’s average Friday night

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • December 7, 2024

I thought I was just going to get some chicken tenders and fries, but I ended up getting so much more. So, for all of you missing out on this essential college experience, here are my field notes from my night in the wild.

Satire | The consequences of shrinkflation

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 25, 2024

At this point in the future, there have been thousands of recessions — which were really depressions — since the one in 2008. Inflation keeps raising prices.

Satire | America has the right to invade Cuba and should after they have expressed interest in joining BRICS

By Alex Jurkuta, Contributing Editor • October 25, 2024

With all of this open hostility from the Eastern-backed Cuban government, it has become clear that the only option for the United States to protect its sphere of influence is to engage in a three-day special operation in order to de-commify Cuba and protect the persecuted ethnic Americans.

Satire | Spotted lanternflies’ morality and mortality

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 17, 2024

As Oakland residents know, in the warmer months, swarms of lanternflies litter the air and streets with their disgusting existence. They’re annoying, they try to fly in my eyes and mouth every time I step outside and they’re invasive, so we’re supposed to kill them.

Satire | Hinge hesitation and Bumble bumbles: Are they worth it?

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 4, 2024

Whether it’s Bumble, Hinge or nothing else — we’re talking dating apps here, not hooking up apps — I believe that there’s still hope for everyone to find the person they’re looking for. It just takes time.

Satire | Newly obtained Charlie Kirk diary entries reveal deep-seated inner turmoil

By Thomas Riley, Opinions Editor • September 23, 2024

The book, titled “Charlie’s Treasures,” turned out to be a secret diary where Kirk recorded his innermost thoughts throughout the duration of his tour. While our organization respects the sanctity of bedazzled journals with a little heart clasp, we feel the student body at least has a right to the information written the day Kirk came to the University of Pittsburgh.