Satire | Back to school horoscopes

By Allison Dantinne, Senior Staff Columnist

The beginning of a new school year is the perfect time to reinvent yourself or even just realign yourself. Look to the stars for some answers, because Kevin in the second-to-last row of your biology lecture sure isn’t going to provide any insight. He couldn’t even provide a pencil for his own notebook. Ugh, typical Kevin.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You’ve been thinking a lot about the abandoned housing cart you saw, the one stranded across the Boulevard, over on Ward. You see a lot of yourself in that cart. Lonely. Misused. University-owned. However, it might just be time to shift perspective. A new school year can bring about a rejuvenated sense of belonging, a fresh sense of home. It’s very possible that the housing cart is at home on that porch on Ward, housing cases of Rolling Rock and a shovel. And like that cart, it’s very possible that you will feel at home where you are now, even if you didn’t intend to be there.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): There’s nothing better than the scent of a freshly sharpened pencil. Except for the scent of your new biology TA and their tantalizing deodorant. Go ahead. Give them a sniff. It won’t be weird.

Aries (March 21-April 19): A haiku for the Aries, titled: 

The Cruel Mistress Ceaselessly Takes, Seldom Gives:

The 10A approached

Then promptly drove away, so

The hill now awaits

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Free food is in your future, Taurus, so long as you apply yourself. What does that entail? It requires you to peel your sweating self off the couch in your living room, put on some pants and follow any group of first-years you can find. They’re always being convinced that they should attend events in exchange for food, and though attending a first-year event can be difficult, the stars assure me that the free pizza will be worth it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): This may come as a shock to you, dear Gemini, but the fourth floor of the library is for quiet activities only. Reconsider before talking with friends about the girl who lives two doors away (we can hear you), or how wild it is that you can get a quesadilla whenever (we can hear you), or how cool it would be to have a club solely focused on Britney Spears (it would be cool, but we can hear you). In sum, shut your mouth on the fourth floor of the library.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): A great decision falls upon all first-years: Antoon’s or Sorrento’s. If you are a first-year, it is time to pledge your pizza allegiance to either the pizza with good ranch or the pizza with good pizza (enhanced by powdered sugar — seriously, just try it). The choice is up to you and it’ll follow you for the rest of your college career.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The stars are telling me that before you even begin to utter the words “I’m busy because I’m an engineer” or anything adjacent to that phrase, consider not doing that at all, or possibly doing literally anything else. Direct orders from the stars, not the English major who writes this fun humor piece. This advice is strictly from the stars.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): So you’ve reached the end of the first week and your roommate still won’t take out the recycling. Bummer. You understand that the trash room is just around the corner, but the box from her brand new blow dryer is taking up all of the bin. You’re not taking it out, just for the principle of it. You’re going to be the alpha of this pie slice-shaped room and that’s final. The stars have some advice for you, Virgo: Suck it up and take out the bin. The hill we’re going to die on probably isn’t built of recyclable blow dryer boxes — it’s more likely a landfill, bursting at the seams, which should not be a hill in the first place. It’s the hill we might all die on if we don’t take climate change seriously.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): To whichever Libra needs to hear this about the boy in their recitation: You’re not in love with him. He’s just tall.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpio, you’re going to have to build yourself back up to the caffeine tolerance you once had. Gone is the lazy “hot girl summer” of drinking fruit-infused waters while being exceptionally attractive. Now you must acclimate to drinking an excessive amount of iced coffee while being nothing more than present in your 8 a.m. communications class. I know it’s not right, but it’s how it has to be.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Now is the time to feel inspired by the decor in the Nationality Rooms in Cathy. Gaze upon the beautiful windows, the trinkets lining curio cabinets, the teeny desks that couldn’t fit a piece of notebook paper in a million years. Feel the essence of your laptop nearly falling off the desk in the Japan room in your soul. Feel the stiffness of the seats in the African Heritage room in your back. Don’t you just feel inspired?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You know that one person in every large lecture, Capricorn? That person who sits in the front row and takes detailed multicolored notes? Who kills the curve for everyone else in the gen ed by being perfect at Psych 0010? This year, you have the power and momentum to ruin other people’s dreams of getting a 4.0. You are strong, you are capable and a box of multicolored pens only costs $7.38 on Amazon. This year, you’re going to rule the lecture hall and make absolutely zero friends doing it.

Allison Dantinne primarily writes satire and humor for The Pitt News. Write to Allison at [email protected]