Satire | LinkedIn Horoscopes

By Allison Dantinne, Senior Staff Columnist

LinkedIn. You know you’re supposed to be on it, making connections and taking names — which is the same thing as making connections, but really completes the phrase, doesn’t it? But putting yourself out there on LinkedIn is hard. There are nuances to professional social media that must be understood before embarking upon your job-hunting journey or even appropriately connecting with those you’ve worked with outside of the office. Here are some tips, directly from the stars, to help you optimize your LinkedIn experience.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You’re better than your name and a string of numbers that reads more like your router’s first Wi-Fi password. So just like you change your Wi-Fi password from ‘T3FTG430B’ to something more eternally relevant and memorable to you, like ‘NormanF***ingRockwell!,’ personalize your URL to better reflect you and your LinkedIn goals.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): A well-lit, face-centric, professional-looking profile picture matters on LinkedIn. While the picture of you at the Renaissance faire gnawing on a massive turkey leg conveys that you can consume an awesome amount of meat, which is super cool, it doesn’t help you land a job after college, unless you want to work for Ron Swanson. Consider either getting headshots or snapping a few selfies in front of plain backgrounds while all dolled up in your business finest.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Usually when someone @s you on Twitter, you need to start playing “Eye of the Tiger” and get ready for a good ol’ fashioned internet tussle to determine who is canceled and who can scroll freely. However, being @ed on LinkedIn is a good thing, and your best move is to respond positively to the person who took the time out of their day to recognize you and leverage your connection with them to connect with their network. 

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Highlight your recent experience. Now, if your most recent experience was as an ice cream scooper and you’re a pre-med student, it’s possible that highlighting your most recent experience isn’t the best idea, unless you saved a man choking on a waffle cone. But if your most recent experience is relevant, put it up front. Let future employers know that you’re doing things to better yourself professionally.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): While LinkedIn is great for expanding a professional network, showing potential employers your skills and even looking for a job, it’s best used in tandem with other sites. Once you’ve found a position you’d like, check out sites like Glassdoor to read reviews of the company and analyze typical salaries. Because if Lizzo’s taught you anything, it’s that you took a DNA test and it turns out your labor is 100% worth at least $15 per hour. She doesn’t say that exactly, but you know she could.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Let people know you’re available. Employers cannot read your mind. You might want them to, you might wish they had the mystical powers of your favorite college horoscope writer, but they sadly don’t have that gift. So let everyone know that you’re looking for a job with a concise tagline — a future employer, though not an all-seeing eye, can read words and can offer you a job.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): When looking for jobs on LinkedIn, follow the companies that interest you. This does two things for you as a candidate: it lets companies know that you’re interested in them, and it lets you see when new jobs within that company are posted. By following companies, you don’t have to use the Schrodinger’s cat method of finding a job, in which there may or may not be a job in that box at any given time. You save yourself a lot of trouble and the pain of admitting that you lasted only a good two weeks in Physics 1 before dropping, picking up only a slight amount of knowledge about Schrodinger’s cat and no knowledge of actual physics (guilty).

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Craft an interesting summary. You don’t have a whole interview to sell yourself yet, but you do have the space for a small blurb. Use it wisely. Think of it as an elevator pitch, the length of a tweet, something short and sweet that explains who you are, what you do and how those first two parts impact the world or the people around you. Yes, LinkedIn requires some soul searching, but if you weren’t up to the task, you wouldn’t be reading horoscopes in a college newspaper, now would you?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Use visual media, just like you would on Twitter or Facebook. Pictures can draw people in and make your profile more exciting. So while the content of your page is important, making the content inviting and interesting to look at is highly beneficial in maintaining a future employer’s attention and in conveying a little more about your killer personality.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Network after dark. No, this doesn’t mean that you should really let your night owl personality out and about, or that conversation changes from business to pleasure after dark. This just means that not all business networking happens during business hours, mostly because people with jobs aren’t spending their working hours on LinkedIn. They’re spending their working hours working and occasionally scrolling through Instagram while waiting for three PowerPoints to open (guilty).

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Make sure you’re sending the right message. If you’re looking for a job, the right message is probably something like “I’m looking for a job,” but a little less blunt, a little less desperate. In the same way that a pair of ripped jeans and a crop top reads better than a full dress and heels in an Oakland bar, the phrase “seeking opportunities to expand …” reads better than “I’m looking for my first real job in …” Really evaluate your tagline and content to make sure you’re sending the message you want to send to potential employers and colleagues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Check your LinkedIn profile strength. That’s right, you can check up on how strong your profile page is, which can give you some real insight into how you’ll be seen as a candidate or a colleague. It’s kind of like checking the HP bar during a Pokemon battle — the stronger you are, the better the chance you have of winning the employment battle and earning a gym badge, i.e. a job after graduation.

Allison Dantinne primarily writes satire and humor for The Pitt News. Write to Allison at [email protected]