Satire | Internship Horoscopes

By Allison Dantinne, Senior Staff Columnist

Look. You and I both know you don’t know how to go about obtaining an internship. It’s terrifying, deeply adult and above all else, apparently important. Feel like you’re gonna get sucked up by the resume gods if you don’t get an internship? Look to the stars for some guidance. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Apply for multiple internships. I don’t think you like to admit this, but you’re just as stubborn as the rest of the fixed signs, Aquarius. When you find something you think is perfect, you become dead set on doing only that thing. Whether it’s a specific order at Chipotle, avoiding Chipotle because you still prefer Qdoba even though it’s gone forever — yes, I’m still upset about that, rest in peace Qdoba on Forbes — or an internship you’re convinced is perfect. You probably don’t know it’s perfect. You aren’t working there yet. So keep your options open and apply to multiple places. You never know what you’ll end up enjoying, or if your top choice will reject you like the Qdoba on Forbes did to me.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Be flexible. Yes, you may be going into an internship thinking you’ll be given all these relevant projects that’ll totally help you beef up your resume for when you get a real job. But you might also be asked to scan a 400-page packet of graphs that make no sense to you in any godly or mathematical way. Or you might be asked to make a bunch of cold calls and have to get over whatever collective, young-person fear we all have of talking on the phone with strangers. Yes, all these things probably have nothing to do with engineering or accounting or business or whatever major you’re working on, but they do say a lot about how easy you are to work with, which is meaningful when you’re asking your boss to write a recommendation for you for graduate school or your next real-person job. And trust me, your resumé will be plenty beefed regardless. 

Aries (March 21-April 19): Apply early. You have no problem taking decisive action and making the moves you need to make, even if it means acting on impulse, so I’m not really sure this is advice you need to hear. But — and call me a narcissistic Gemini, if you will — I feel pretty confident no one reading this just reads their own sign. So, for everyone else out there — apply early. Employers know when you submit your application at 11:58 p.m., two minutes from the deadline, and from what I know about bosses, most of them don’t want to work with someone who consistently finishes formatting quarterly reports two minutes before they need to be distributed for the team meeting.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Stay on top of your deadlines. This is an extension of the last one, which I assume you read because you’re a good person who wants to make me feel good about writing. Know when things are due and get them in on time. You say you’re going to send your personal statement by Thursday? Send it by Thursday. Heck, stun them and send it on Wednesday. Meeting deadlines is, in my opinion, about 30% of being an adult person. Yes, you have school assignments and club meetings, and “The Bachelor” on Monday and Wednesday to watch this week. Life is hard and there’s so many obligations, but put aside time to make sure you’re meeting all your deadlines.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Talk to someone in the field. Ask about the day-to-day of someone who works in the field in which you’re looking to get an internship. Let their routine wash over you, so you can really decide if you’re exploring the right career. Did “The Office” convince you that working in sales would be fun but you hate the idea of being in a cubicle and sitting at a desk all day? Maybe it’s not for you then. Do you love the idea of interning in politics but hate canvassing because it’s all just talking to people? Well then you’re probably not a Gemini but thanks for reading, babe. Talking to someone who has the job you think you want could clarify how to achieve it, or better yet, if you want to achieve it at all.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Reach out to your school for help. Need interview clothes? Head to the Career Center. Need someone to read your cover letter? Head to the writing center. Need to cry because you’ve written out your work history for teeny fill-in-the-blank boxes five times today? Just sit on a bench and cry until someone feels bad for you — and the next time you write it out, copy and paste your answers into a Word doc so you can copy and paste it into the next application you have to fill out. You spend a lot of time helping others, Cancer, but you need love and care too. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. 

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Ask questions at the interview. You’ve landed the interview and you know you’re going to do great. They’re gonna love you. You’re sure of it, because why wouldn’t you be? You’re a Leo. But to really push your interview over the top, from “qualified” and “good speaker” to “hired,” ask questions. Ask if they need any clarification about your resumé, what the day-to-day of this position looks like, what previous employees have done to expand the scope of this position to improve the workplace. You can’t just ride on your charisma alone — you have to care. And asking questions shows you care.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Triple check your resumé. You’re analytical — sometimes to a fault, Virgo. But here, it’s best to use that analytical power to comb through your resumé for any possible spelling mistakes, formatting errors and wordy sentences. You can’t write that you’re detail-oriented and expect a future employer to believe you, now can you?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Attend a job fair. You’re a social butterfly. You’re killer at making first impressions that feel meaningful. You’re also indecisive as all get out. So attend a job fair, Libra. Scan through all the potential employers, pick up a free pad of sticky notes, gather some flyers, chat about positions, learn about organizations you wouldn’t have heard of from your simple and oh-so-misguided Google search of “summer internship biology major.”

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Know the company. This is the time for your snooping, or, let’s say “information gathering,” to come in handy, Scorpio. Figure out everything about the places you’re applying to — their mission, their organizational structure, their history. Stalk through their Glassdoor and Indeed. Figure out what makes them tick, just like you found out what made Kyle from Sigma Alpha Beta fish tick before deciding you want literally none of that and his face is only partially all right. Then, use that information to show your interviewer just how much you care about the internship.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Highlight your most relevant experience. You’ve done a lot. You’ve had experiences you literally won’t shut up about. We’ve heard it all about 15 times. So I’ll keep this short so you don’t feel tempted to retell some objectively boring story about bicycling through Amsterdam — keep it relevant to the job. You’re allowed to have a personality, but no one wants to hear about how alive you felt when you were abroad and how Americans just don’t get it. We don’t and we probably never will, but that has nothing to do with accounting, Sagittarius. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Ask about compensation. Don’t be demanding, but do know what your time is worth. Are you looking for credits? What’s the pay per hour? Or are we looking at a stipend? It’s not rude to expect something out of employment besides a line on your resumé and access to the Keurig in the break room. 

Allison Dantinne primarily writes satire and humor for The Pitt News. Write to Allison at [email protected]