Summer is upon us. The weather becomes hot. The air becomes sticky. The Geminis finally crawl back into the wretched pits from whence we came. There is a sense of calm. Check your horoscope to see what else the stars have in store for you this Cancer season.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Press, press, press, Cardi don’t need more press. But you do need press attention, Aquarius. You’re a little pressed about your lack of press. So the next time someone asks you about your burgeoning stand-up comedy career or your booth at the National Model Train Show, feel free to brag. All press is good press!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Consider the comforter on your bed during your youth, Pisces. Was it covered in multiple evolutions of the popular Pokemon, Eevee? Or possibly checkered flags and race cars? Dinosaurs? The things we own as kids say a lot about our interests and ambitions and really put into perspective how quickly those dreams fade as we all resign to being mid-level managers somewhere in the midwest. So break out that dinosaur comforter and enjoy youth again. The dinosaurs may have been pelted by meteors, but that doesn’t mean you were.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And if you can’t see it, look closer, until you find what should look like a small metallic square with neon wires. It’s very tiny, so it’s easy to miss. Once you find it, Aries, you’re going to need a scalpel and a pair of forceps to dig it out. But when you do, we will all understand true beauty once and for all.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): So Hannah has some dirt on Rachel that would totally ruin her chances of becoming homecoming queen. I mean, it would help you win while also totally turning off Blake and sending him running back to Hannah, so it’s a win-win for everyone. You know, except for Rachel and maybe a heartbroken Blake. Oh, and of course the sanctity of the West High homecoming elections. But that’s a small price to pay for Rachel’s demise, isn’t it, Taurus?

Gemini (May 21-June 20): A haiku titled: Steve

There are fresh cookies

Moist, chewy, warm and gooey

Inside the break room

Three chocolate chunk

Steve took all three to his desk

Thus starting a war

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Stare at the moon and let it stare back at you, Cancer. Consider it’s beauty. Allow it to consider yours. What if there were two moons? What if the moon, in all its silvery, languid wisdom, thought about there being two of you? The moon can think, just like you can, and it spends a fair amount of its time thinking about your beauty.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Do you remember when owning a pair of calf-high Ugg boots was the most important endeavor in your young life? Do you remember the biting, cold feeling of not feeling cool enough without that khaki-colored fur security blanket? Well look at you now, Leo! You never needed those boots after all. The world has moved on and you moved with it. Apply this principle to whatever thing you think you need right now to feel like you’re enough, especially if it’s those neon orange jelly sandals. Take them out of your cart. Now.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Do you ever just think about the fact that you can get up and just leave, Virgo? You could drive out into the desert and become a different person, a person with no obligation to show up for your shift at Chipotle. You could become a cattle rancher or a forest nymph or even an artisanal jewelry maker. The only thing that’s stopping you is a slew of consequences and reality. But otherwise, you can be anything! TLDR; I’m thinking some existential things.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Here’s how to build credit. First, imagine an exotic animal you’d like to own — say, a tiger. Then, save as much money as it costs to own a tiger. Dedicate your life’s work and all your savings to buying this tiger. Later on, when you’re at your bank, trying to be an adult and get a mortgage but don’t have good enough credit to be approved, casually mention that you own a tiger, that is currently sitting in your car and can maul on command. Soon you’ll have all the credit necessary to make big purchases. See how easy that was, Libra?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It all comes down to this, Scorpio. This is the final rose. Who will it go to: Duke Whiskers the Third or Lasagna the Cat? Who will lay in your lap until you move 2 centimeters or until they get bored? We’ll find out after the break in the most iconic, dramatic, fence jumping, ear scratching finale of the Cat-chelor ever.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Time flies when you’re having fun, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t watch where it’s flying. All your time could be wandering around the Target parking lot, sipping a caramel frappuccino, questioning why you abandoned it there and when you’ll come back to get it. You said you’d be back in an hour, Sagittarius.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):  A fortune for Capricorn: “Only listen to fortune cookie, disregard all other fortune telling units. Lucky Numbers: 19, 10, 24, 49, 55, 38.” Well … I guess you should disregard this horoscope then.

Allison Dantinne primarily writes satire and humor for The Pitt News. Write to Allison at [email protected]