Satire | Valentines Horoscopes

By Allison Dantinne, Senior Staff Columnist

Mercury is in retrograde and love is hard. That’s all. That’s it. Let’s look to the stars to understand our weird human emotions on this weird human emotions day.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Aquarius, though you may crave partnership, especially when everyone around you seems happy and together, it’s time to work on making yourself happy before you try to make someone else happy. Spend some time with yourself. Spend some time talking to yourself. Or the wall. Or to someone who isn’t listening. Really figure out what you like before you get out there, looking to find that in another person. You’ll be thankful later.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Yes, the Co-Star app probably said something ambiguous that you’re interpreting as the end of your relationship, but you need to take a breather and realize that that is an app and you’re a person, Pisces. The sky is not falling. And no, you cannot blame your partner for something a vaguely threatening astrology app told you they did. You can only blame them for things that I, your very friendly Gemini horoscope writer, tells you that they did. And I’m saying if anything were to end your relationship, it’d probably be them cheating on you. But that won’t happen for weeks. At least. More specifically, for five weeks.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Stop scrolling through Tinder in class. Or swiping. Or whatever. I don’t use it and I’m irritated every time I see it. You don’t pay this much in tuition every year to sit in the second row of this lecture hall just to be on Tinder. You pay this much in tuition because a college education is a premium and a means by which to perpetrate socioeconomic divisions for generations upon generations while also saddling yourself with insurmountable debt. So please, Aries, put your phone away and learn.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Honor your ruling planet, Venus, and really treat yourself today. Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, throw on something you feel highly comfortable in — those ratty sweatpants with the peeling lettering across the butt, thinning elastic and hole in the crotch are clear contenders — and buy yourself a box of chocolates and eat them all while rewatching “Parks and Recreation,” even though you’ve seen it 11 times over. You’ve earned it, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Are you indecisive? Yes. But did you find yourself with someone to spend Valentine’s Day with? Somehow, also yes. Take today to show your thanks for this person, because on god, they’re really choosing to enjoy a whole lot of personality, and probably a whole lot of drunk ramblings from the back of a Lyft, crying in the pantyhose aisle of the CVS and hearing “I know” as a reply to “you’re hot.” At least take them out for a casual, yet romantic dinner.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Single 🙁

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Give a little love to the world today. Give a tip when you pick up your Starbucks cold foam blended whatever today — because really, it’s a ridiculous drink and your barista is very kind for making that complex monstrosity at all and not pretending like your label didn’t even come up. Resist the urge to not pass someone walking slowly on the sidewalk when you have nowhere important to be. And no, I don’t want to hear that everywhere you go is somewhere important to be. It’s not. Smile at a stranger. Not a stranger who tells you you’d look prettier if you’d smile. Because that’s gross. But anyone else is fair game for smiling. Take today to tone it down and show some strangers in the world the love you show yourself every day.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Virgo, today is your day to shine. All those little details about your partner you pick up on throughout the year are going to pay off. All those times you’ve remembered their favorite books, their coffee order, that thing that happened last summer that cannot be spoken of ever again. Valentine’s Day is a peak Virgo day, and for all the stress the world — and yourself — put on you throughout the year, you deserve to take it easy, relax and know that you’re loved.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): No, you’re not gonna find a man to love you on Valentine’s Day. It’s not going to happen because that’s absolutely crazy, Libra, and really, you should have tried harder the other 364 days this year. Put your phone down. Please don’t try to “accidentally” spill your latte on some unsuspecting man in a semi-nice shirt. Do not sit at the bar and look sad. Just go home, crack open a bottle of rosé and remember this lesson for next Valentine’s Day.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Why not spice up your Valentine’s Day with that typical, chaotic, intense Scorpio energy of yours by calling out your significant other. Start your Valentine’s date with the conversation you’ve both been dreading having. Why haven’t you met their parents? The lack of an official title for your relationship? Whatever it is, celebrate Valentine’s Day your way by making yourself, your significant other and everyone around you deeply uncomfortable.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Call your mom. Seriously. Call your mom. Yes, Kyle from bio may not love you. He doesn’t love anything. He hasn’t drank water in five days. Kyle from bio is dehydrated and not worthy. And the guy labeled “tall, star wars shirt, hair, psych group,” didn’t reply to your 2 a.m. text, which in retrospect had far too many side-eye emojis, and also a burrito emoji, which just confused him. But you know who will love you and wants to know that you love her? Your mom. Call that woman.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You should not ask anyone from your group project on a date. Please, Capricorn. I know you like to mix business with pleasure, and you may even joke that it’s all pleasure. It’s not, but you’ll joke anyway. But you and I both know it’s going to be weird when you have to present a PowerPoint on economic policy with someone you spent 20 minutes at Hem’s staring at, exchanging maybe 10 sentences and then slept with. Please, do yourself — and the group dynamic — a favor today.

Allison Dantinne primarily writes satire and humor for The Pitt News. Write to Allison at [email protected]